The Crew's list for what Shepard is not allowed to do
by Starscream
Summary: A little something I wrote as an amusement. Basically a list of things Shepard is forbidden to do by her own crew.


The Crew's list for what Shepard is not allowed to do.

Mass Effect is property of EA and Bioware

This fic was merely something inspired by **100 Things Commander Shepard Crew'll Mutiny Over** by Mad Dragon. Also this was merely an amusement for myself as I will be continuing work on Jungle Trap Mk II.

Commander Jane Shepard, hero of the Citadel, Terror of Reapers, Collectors, mercs, the Council and just about anyone else who gets on her bad side. Occasional womanizer and all around bad ass. Now galactic pariah working for Cerberus.

Entering her cabin, all she wanted to do was sleep off the heavy drinking she had been doing at Afterlife on Omega. She was nearly bombed out of her skull and wanted to sleep off the inevitable hangover. Sadly as she looked up to see her entire combat crew was there waiting for her expectedly. Even Liara was there, which left Jane wondering who was running the show as Shadow Broker.

"Okay, either it's my birthday. An Intervention on my drinking. Or the start of a new wacky adventure since I told the Illusive Man to go fuck himself." Jane sighed in her speech slightly slurred. "Either way, I'm going to sleep, talk to me after my hangover."

Miranda Lawson lightly coughed into her fist, "Shepard we have some things to discuss."

"After my hangover, Miranda…"

"Now Shepard!" Liara stepped in.

"Okay." Jane resigned to the fact she won't get any sleep.

Tali unceremoniously shoved Garrus forward to present Shepard with a datapad.

"All right. I'm not allowed to drive a Mako or any other motorized vehicle for as long as I live?"

"Shepard-Commander, to apply the parlance of Jack-Convict: your driving sucks." Legion chimed in.

"Not bad lightbulb."

Jane continued reading. "I'm not allowed to use the following phrases for my new Omni-Blade: Jyuoken (King's Sword). Mazinger Blade. Dairugger Sword. Master Sword."

"Keep reading, Shepard." Miranda ordered.

"No, Tali and her engineering minions will not make the Normandy into a transforming robot. No matter how many designs I have Grunt make. He's running out of crayons."

"Really, Shepard." Tali sighed with the heel of her palm against her faceplate, "You really need to stop watching vids like Macross. And what the hell is the Maximus?!"

"Okay… I'm no longer allowed to stare at Samara's breasts while she's mediating or undress her with my eyes." Shepard knew right there she was in big trouble with Liara. "Come on Liara I've been dead two years, what do you expect!?"

"Shepard the code demands that I kill you, then I will have Ms. Lawson bring you back to life so I can kill you again." Samara coolly responded.

"And I'll help." Liara added.

"Next. The battlefield is not a place to have make out sessions with Liara."

"Aren't we little kinky, Shepard." Kasumi laughed seeing both Liara and Shepard blush in embarrassment.

"Neither is backseat of Hammerhead. Maintenance is tired of cleaning up the aftermath. Even if she starts it." Shepard rolled her eyes a bit. "Come on guys I have needs…"

"Which leads to the next item, Shepard. I know you will be unhappy about it." Garrus spoke up recovering from the shock of having to be the group "volunteer" to hand Shepard the list.

"No, Liara is not up for a threesome with Aria. Not Samara. Not Tali. Not Jack. Not Miranda. And definitely not Kelly Chambers."

"Which leads up to the next item, Shepard." Liara said sternly.

"Liara knows that you're seeing Kelly Chambers on the side." Shepard read before looking up to Liara. "Hey she came on to me. But I will admit that little dancer number she has. Whoa boy!"

"Shepard."

"Yes Liara?"

"You humans have a quaint expression: You're on thin ice!"

"When on Illum or the Citadel, I'm not allowed to look the other way or use my Spectre authority when Kasumi pulls a heist." Jane grumbled at that since she was getting a sizable piece of the action for looking the other way. "Hey, I was making some good money and I have some bookies pay off."

"Shepard-Commander, since you speak of gaming this platform contributed an item to the list."

Shepard read Legion's contribution and translated geth speak to the rest of the group. "Basically I'm not allowed to use Legion during my junkets at the Silver Coast or down at the track. Legion that racing tip you gave me cost me 5000 credits."

"That was intentional Shepard-Commander."

"I had to beat up and shake down a couple of Blue Sun Mercs for my 5000 and a little extra on the side."

"Speaking of which, Shepard… I have a goddamn bone to pick with ya'!" Zaeed responded while smoking a cigar.

"Okay, Zaeed." Shepard answered before reading Zaeed's item. "I'm not allowed to shake-down, beat up or intimidate Blue Suns, Bloodpack or Eclipse mercs for beer money. Unless I'm buying for Garrus, Zaeed and Jack as well."

"We raid beer stash Shepard. You really to change your lock code."

"You raid my beer!" Shepard yelled at the Turian. "Is nothing sacred?!"

"Hey, every time we pull into Omega, the Citadel or Illium; you're shit-faced within 30 seconds." Jack laughed.

"5 seconds when you order ryncol." Grunt chuckled.

"Laugh it up, Grunt!" Shepard said, her headache was starting to set in. "Batarians soldiers are longer referred to as target practice." Shepard again rolled her eyes. "The four-eyed bastard have it coming. Terra Nova ring a bell?!"

"Shepard, there is item regarding club behavior."

"Really? I'm not allowed to watch erotic Asari dancers? Geez, Liara why not stab me in the heart?"

"Don't tempt me Shepard."

_Memo to self: Do not - repeat - do not piss off Liara. I'll live longer._ "Let's see stop crank calling the Illusive Man. We're already high on his shit list! The same goes for the Council." Shepard looked up from the data pad. "Anymore my hangover is setting in!"

"Several more, Shepard." Miranda chimed in, hoping Shepard is being punished in more ways than one.

"Since Miranda doesn't have the resources, she cannot make clones of me. The Reapers, mercs and the galaxy at large will shit themselves in abject fear of the prospect."

"Forgive me, Commander," Kelly Chambers walked in. While Shepard and company were going over the list Kelly electronically sent some items of her own and Dr. Chakwas. "I have some items for you to look over."

"Okay, Kelly. Let's see what you have. Punching people in the face is not a solution to an argument. Neither are explosions. Nor shooting. Try using words." With an arched eyebrow, Shepard glared at her yeoman. "You really go for this touchy-feely crap, don't you Chambers. And to think I was going ask if you were up for a threesome with Liara."

"You want to die, Shepard?"

"Moving on… Neither Cerberus, the Council nor the Alliance will build a ship like White Base." Shepard continued on. "No, Mordin will not invent a transporter so I can make 'booty calls' to the Shadow Broker."

"Really, Shepard. Matter-energy transporting only exists on Star Trek. A wonderful human show. Need to watch more of it." Mordin retorted in his usual rapid fire speech.

"I'm longer allowed to play poker or Dungeons and Dragons? Why?"

"You cheat!" Everyone said in unison.

"Just asking…. Is this it?"

"Pretty much Shepard." Miranda answered for the group.

"Good. I'm going to take some of Kelly's advice and use my words."

"Nice words Commander." Chambers insisted.

"Right," Shepard complied. "Now get the hell out of here all of you! A grouchy Commander, with a headache, a hangover and access to weapons is not a good combination!"

Everyone but Liara stampeded out the Commander's cabin in fear of her wrath, except Liara. "Maybe, I can help with the grouchiness and the headache but the hangover is your fault." Liara smiled as she drew Shepard to the bed.

* * *

For those who might not get the references

Jyuoken (King's Sword) is the sword used by Golion otherwise known as Blazing Sword in Voltron.

The Maximus is the ship from Transformers Headmasters. Which is also the Transtector for Fortress to become Fortress Maximus who possess the Master Sword.


End file.
